Clarabell's Big Surprise
"Clarabell's Big Surprise" is the third episode of the second series of Sweet Sow, and the seventh overall. Plot While staying at their hotel room in Rome, the floating disembodied head of Robert Raccoon appears and invites Peppa and Mummy Pig over to a "press conference" in Lemington that revolves around Clarabell the Clown's biggest, untold secret. They visit the headquarters of Ezaccess, where the special event is being hosted. Pop culture references ensue. Script (Peppa Pig and her mother are inside their hotel room in Rome.) Mummy Pig: I want my tenth bottle of vodka. Peppa: (singing) Hello from the other- Mummy Pig: For fuck's sake! All I want is a bottle of vodka. (The hitchhiker appears in a Butler outfit.) Hitchhiker: Hey, hey hey! Voice: (offscreen) Bill Cosby was an actual serial rapist. Mummy Pig: That's not actually true. Those are false rumors, like the ones with Jimmy Savile. Voice: (offscreen) What? (passes a giant poop) HEY!!!! HEY!!!! HEY!!!! Mummy Pig: The truth hurts so much, you just passed a Fat Albert. By the way, Uncle Jimmy was a good person, unlike that imposter, Marvey Harvey. Voice: (offscreen) Nope. You're the imposter. Mummy Pig: Die. (Mummy Pig uses her laser-shooting eyes to kill whoever's speaking.) Peppa: Let's watch TV. Robert Raccoon: (offscreen) Hold up! Peppa: Who are you? (The floating disembodied head of Robert Raccoon appears.) Robert Raccoon: It's me, Robert Raccoon. Mummy Pig: What do you want Robbie? Robert Raccoon: Come over to the Ezaccess headquarters in Lemington for a very special event. Mummy Pig: Will there be vodka? Robert Raccoon: No, unfortunately. Hitchhiker: I have five unopened bottles of vodka. You can have it, if you want them. Mummy Pig: Yes, please. (The hitchhiker hands over the five bottles of vodka to Mummy Pig.) Mummy Pig: Thanks. Now we can go. Robert Raccoon: Anyway, it's a press conference in which Clarabell the Clown will reveal his deepest, darkest secret. Mummy Pig: Fantastic! When is it? Robert Raccoon: Right now. Peppa: Mummy, who's Clarabell? Mummy Pig: Jimmy. Savile. Peppa Pig: Tell the truth. I'm pretty sure he's not Jimmy. Voice: (singing) Horrid- Mummy Pig: I was only being sarcastic. Peppa: Oh. Robert Raccoon: Can we go? Mummy Pig: Sure. Voice: (offscreen) Sweet Sow is canceled! Mummy Pig: Just fuck off. Voice: (offscreen) Fine. (Mummy Pig shoots the voice with her laser-shooting eyes.) Robert Raccoon: Let's go! (They are teleported near the Ezaccess shed in the Lemington neighborhood of Seatown. But this time, Robert is no longer a floating head.) Mummy Pig: Where's Clarabell? (Robert looks around the place.) Robert Raccoon: Oh no. Mummy Pig: What's going on? Robert Raccoon: I was trying to search for him. Sorry, but I don't know where he is right now. Voice: (offscreen) I'm right here. Robert Raccoon: Oh, man! I totally forgot to bring an octagon. Mummy Pig: Is this how you summon him? Robert Raccoon: No. Lenny Cat: Hi-ya, Robbie and visitors. I'm Lenny and I sunk Hogland. Peppa: Why aren't you in jail then? Lenny Cat: Excuse me? (All of a sudden, Lenny gets grabbed by large robot arms.) Lenny Cat: La-de-da-de-dum, what's the name of that song? Robot: Prepare to face capital punishment, as a result of sinking down Hogland. Voice: (offscreen) Hell no. The robot is the one who actually deserves capital punishment. Robot: You too. (The robot grabs whoever tries to cancel the show.) Geckel Homus: (singing) Horrid heart and graphic high. How divine- Robot: I will self destruct in three seconds. Three, two, one. (explodes) Mummy Pig: That arse hole who tried to cancel our show is dead. Thank goodness. Clarabell: Hey-o! It's me, Clarabell the Clown. I can talk, which has been obvious for about sixty years. Mummy Pig: Nonce. Clarabell: I ain't no nonce, Gary Glitter was. Mummy Pig: Non- Peppa: Toby J. Rathjen is also attending the press conference for some reason. Voice: (offscreen) OH GOD! Toby: Stop calling me a monkey. I AM NOT A FUCKING MONKEY. NOW STOP! Clarabell: Step inside! Toby: Am I a monkey? Yes or no. Voice: (offscreen) I know I can't see yiff if I'm under 18, but what can I say, I'm a teenager, and I think it's normal if I wa- Toby: ANSWER MY GOD DAMN QUESTION! AM I A FUCKING FATASS MONKEY? YES OR NO. Timothy Stanton: (offscreen) Fine! Yes. Toby: I AM NOT A MONKEY! I WILL FUCKING MURDER YOU IF YOU SAY I'M A FATASS MONKEY AGAIN! UNDERSTAND, SIR? Timothy Stanton: (offscreen) You know what? I'm a 17-year-old college freshman! Mummy Pig: No, I am. Clarabell: In other words, my secret is very true and important. Peppa: Are you gay? Are you a furry? Are you possessed? Are you drunk? Voice: (offscreen) I like watching yiff, even if it's for adults, that's my pref... Mummy Pig: Peppa, do you drink vodka? Peppa: Of course, not. Mummy Pig: Well you should. Peppa: Why? I'm only six years old. Mummy Pig: You're 210 years-old, as I'm 550 years-old. It's true, yes indeed. Peppa: The fuck? Voice: (imitating Marvey Harvey) Sleep, children, sleep. Clarabell: You shall not know my secret, until I reveal it. Robert Raccoon: Never. Peppa: Why is Emily here? Robert Raccoon: (deep voice) She's dead. Let's see. Peppa: Mummy, why did you divorce daddy? Mummy Pig: This episode contains more pop culture references than- Voice: (imitating Marvey Harvey) Sleep. Clarabell: The cast of Howdy Doody will appear right after the following segment. Mummy Pig: But aren't they all dead? Clarabell: Actors. Roll the tape, Robert! Robert Raccoon: Alright. (Robert starts to project a clip from a 1981 episode of The Late Evening Show hosted by Marvey Harvey, in front of Clarabell.) Marvey: (on screen) Dust to dust is projectful in the wonders of magic. Clarabell: I really miss the magic of The Howdy Doody Show. It was a really good show, but it was low budget. Buffalo Bob shouted and the peanut gallery star- Robert Raccoon: Shh! Be quiet, the tape is rolling. Clarabell: Sorry. Marvey: (on screen) I re-present... Anwale Looges. Clarabell: Who's that? Mummy Pig: Jimmy. Savile. Clarabell: Stop saying that. I know that he's not Jimmy Savile. Mummy Pig: Does it look like I give an ass? Clarabell: Be quiet. I'm trying to watch him. Anwale Looges: Thank you. I am proud to be on this program with Marvey. Marvey: My lovely guest, what is your favorite moment? Anwale Looges: It was when (BLEEP). Marvey: That's great. Am I a wonderful host? Anwale Looges: Not really, but I'll stay. Marvey: I have something to say. I love you. Anwale Looges: What? Marvey: Because I do, my wonderful soulmate. Anwale Looges: Oh, I- I love you too, father. Marvey: Do you know Clarabell the Clown? Anwale Looges: Of course, he's from Howdy Doody. Marvey: Did you watch Howdy Doody when you were a kid? Anwale Looges: No, because I wasn't living in America at the time. Marvey: How do you know about it then? Anwale Looges: (BLEEP). Marvey: Oh. And now, prepare fo- (The clip has finished being projected.) Clarabell: Now where is my good ol' pal, Howdy Doody? (The cast of Howdy Doody appear next to Clarabell.) Howdy Doody: Oh golly, it's really you. My good pal Clarabell. What do you do these days? Clarabell: Hey, Howdy. I'm about to reveal my darkest, deepest secret I've told no one. Howdy Doody: It's not the same without Buffalo Bob. It's been twenty years without him. I miss him. Clarabell: I feel the same too, old friend. Timothy Stanton: (offscreen) It's Howdy Doody time! Howdy Doody: Who said that? Timothy Stanton: (offscreen) Excuse me. Just recording some lines for Santed Sailor. Howdy Doody: Mayor Bluster? Mayor Bluster: What do you want from me? Howdy Doody: Why the fuck am I breaking character? Mayor Bluster: Hau many times? Howdy Doody: Dilly, my childhood friend became to be known as Gary Glitter in the UK. I wonder where he is now? Mayor Bluster: Not to surprise you, but I'm Gary Glitter. Howdy Doody: So you're a pedophile. Mayor Bluster: He's gonna take you back to the past. Howdy Doody: Is Dilly in jail? (Mayor Bluster transforms into a tall, buff James Rolfe.) Howdy Doody: Who the fuck are you? Robert Raccoon: (singing) He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard. Howdy Doody: James Rolfe or Rolf Harris? Robert Raccoon: (singing) He's the angry Nintendo nerd. Howdy Doody: Oh. (Howdy Doody morphs into Rolf Harris.) Rolf Harris: I'm not a pedophile. Alright? Robert Raccoon: Yes you are, and you're grounded grounded grounded for that. Rolf Harris: WAH! (Rolf Harris starts to get squished.) Rolf Harris: Damn you, Rootie Kazootie! (Rolf Harris's spirit flies out his body and morphs into Rootie Kazootie.) Voice: (offscreen) Survival. Howdy Doody: What happened? Rootie Kazootie: Answers. Howdy Doody: Your show was shit. (Rootie Kazootie disappears.) Clarabell: When girls were girls, and men were men. Those were the days. Howdy Doody: Who the fuck is Rolf Harris? Clarabell: Memory records. Mummy Pig: Howdy? Howdy Doody: Yes. Mummy Pig: Are you a pedophile? Howdy Doody: Hell no! (Howdy's head transforms into Jimmy's head, and his head starts to grow.) Howdy Doody: (In Jimmy Savile's voice) Now then, now then. (The background starts to swirl into a version with every color painted a bright blue color, which gradually changes to green.) Toby: What are you talking about? Howdy Doody: (in Jimmy Savile's voice) Who's the funniest clown we know? Clara-clara, Clarabell. Toby: For the last time, I!! AM NOT!! A FUCKING MONKEY!! Howdy Doody: (in Jimmy Savile's voice) Hey there little monkey, follow me. Toby: FUCK!!! THAT'S IT! Voice: (offscreen) That was a prank. Toby: I AM NOT A FUCKING MONKEY! (Toby transforms into a gorilla.) Mummy Pig: Turn it into a meditation center. Toby: Ah-ah. Roar. Peppa: This isn't actually a press conference. (When Robert hears Peppa say that, he walks up to her growling.) Peppa: What the hell do you want? (Suddenly, Robert starts to bark at Peppa.) Peppa: Are you psycho? Robert Raccoon: IF THIS IS A PRESS CONFERENCE, THEN IT IS! END OF STORY! Peppa: Okay. Is Clarabell gay? Clarabell: Nope. Voice: Raccoons cannot growl or bark, r*****! Robert Raccoon: I'm not just a raccoon, you know. Voice: You're a dumbass. Robert Raccoon: WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME!? (howls) Voice: Are you a werewolf? Robert Raccoon: No, but I'm half-wolf, as my mother was a wolf. Voice: But isn't bestiality illegal in Lemington? Robert Raccoon: Chris-Chan! Tara the Android: (singing) I feel fantastic, hey, hey! Robert Raccoon: JULAAAY! (Tara vanishes from existence, and the background turns back to normal.) Tim Wilder: Hey Robbie. I just found out that you're my second cousin, since your mother is my mom's cousin. How cool is that? Robert Raccoon: I feel fantastic. Hey, hey. Mummy Pig: I miss Dan Schneider. Maybe I shouldn't have murdered him last night. (Dan Schneider pops up next to Mummy Pig.) Dan: Feet! Mummy Pig: Maybe I shouldn't have said that to myself. Clarabell: And now, ladies and gentlemen. My biggest secret. Mummy Pig: NOT YET! Clarabell: Why not? Mummy Pig: It's not dark enough yet. Clarabell: Shit! Mummy Pig: We need to make this episode weirder and longer or else Sweet Sow will be cancelled. Robert Raccoon: Guess what, bitches? Peppa: What is it? Robert Raccoon: I'm Chris-Chan, and I bring you- (Robert transforms into a still image of Chris-Chan that floats in mid-air.) Toby: Am I a fucking monkey, Chris-Chan? (As a demonic voice mumbles in the background, this caption appears: "~In the year 1978, Chris-Chan pirated a Russian bootleg of Doom 3D") Mayor Bluster: That looks groovy! (Mayor Bluster squishes while entering a portal located above him. Then he returns as Dylan Klebold.) Toby: Hey funny guy, am I a fucking monkey? Yes or no. You better say no. Or else. Dylan Klebold: Yes. (Dylan's head splits in half, revealing the head from Doom inside him.) Doom Head: Surprise, mothafa**ot! Toby: THAT'S IT! I WILL FUCKING KI- (Toby squishes, rotates, and turns into a silhouette. Then the background colors turn into a jungle wallpaper and Howdy Doody starts flying.) Howdy Doody: I'm about to break character for real. Clarabell: DON'T! Please don't. (Howdy Doody shatters like glass.) Clarabell: Rest in peace. Howdy Doody: I'm not dead, I'm just simply finding a new host. (Suddenly, Howdy's spirit starts to morph into Steve Urkel.) Steve Urkel: Did I do that? Rootie Kazootie: Show off! Steve Urkel: What did I do wrong? Rootie Kazootie: YOU COPIED ME! Lenny Cat: Copied what? I was just watching Mr. Rogers meeting Big Bird on Sesame Street. Rootie Kazootie: Steve Urkel copied me. Lenny Cat: STEVIL AND CARLSBAD AND EVIL PUPPETS. EEK! (Lenny morphs into an entire episode of Family Matters, which is speeded up to 8 seconds. Then he transforms into whoever last appeared in it, as the press conference becomes white.) Carl Winslow: Steve? Steve Urkel: What is it? Carl Winslow: You are under arrest for assaulting a police officer. Steve Urkel: Did I do that? (A large, rotating VHS tape flies toward Carl Winslow.) Carl Winslow: Buzz off! I'm trying to cuff this wacko. (The VHS tape hits Carl's back, causing him to become a gray-blue silhouette and get squished like an analog TV set being switched off. Then the whole background is changed to All the Single Furries.) Tony the Tiger: That's grrr-eat! (Mummy Pig's head appears floating in the air.) Mummy Pig: (deep voice) This episode contains more pop culture references than- Voice: (offscreen) YOU NEED TO SHUT THE FUCK UP! Mummy Pig: Systematic failed. (implodes) Zack Morris: I didn't know that Mother Earth was in here. Robert Raccoon: This song's driving me insane. Steve Urkel: (singing) Hip hip hooray, the super readers saved the day. We ch- (Steve Urkel transforms back into Howdy Doody.) Howdy Doody: The Facts of Life Girls get Grounded. Robert Raccoon: (stomping) I! NAME! IS NOT! Peppa: What the fuck is even going on? But I know that it's morphing time, bitch! (Peppa morphs into Courtney from the Total Drama franchise.) Courtney: Bitch, if anyone says "bitch" again, I act like a psychopath. Robert Raccoon: You said it though, hypocrite! Courtney: Bitch, are you talking shit about me? Fuck you, bitch. Robert Raccoon: EESKETIIT!!! Courtney: RAWR! I WILL FUCKING MURDER YOU! (Robert Raccoon floats away and summons Lil Pump, as he morphs into a DVD.) Lil Pump: Fuck your airline, fuck your company. Courtney: Bitch, what do you even mean? Lil Pump: Gucci gang, Gucci gang, Gucci gang. (The background turns into static, and cuts to a video with Timothy Stanton.) Timothy Stanton: Time for a new segment I'd like to call Ben Salutes. Voice: (offscreen) BOO! Your show is shit. Timothy Stanton: I wanna get high. (Timmy takes his face off by his forehead, revealing himself as Jimmy Savile.) Jimmy Savile: Now then, now then, guys and gals. Courtney: Oh shit! (Courtney transforms back into Peppa.) Lil Pump: (face melts) My lean cost more than your rent. Clarabell: This is some press conference. (Lil Pump shakes his body and collapses, causing the video to switch back to All the Single Furries.) Tony the Tiger: Furries are grrr-eat! Peppa: Nope. Tony the Tiger: You wanna fight? Peppa: I was just kidding. They are great. Tony the Tiger: That's right! (Robert Raccoon (in DVD form) flies toward Peppa.) Peppa: What the fuck? (The DVD hits Peppa, causing her to glitch and vanish. Then the background changes to a rainbow gradient, as Robert transforms back to normal.) Robert Raccoon: I have consumed Peppa Pig. Clarabell: Why? That's gross. Robert Raccoon: No. I meant I- (Robert morphs into the head of Ajit Pai.) Category:Sweet Sow episodes Category:Fanon